As you may have learned by now, Drunk June Cleaver isn’t the richest dame in New York. She is, however, completely obsessed with stretching her dollars. Below are a few Pro Tips that have come in handy over the years (I should mention that I am an obsessive reader of thekitchn.com):
1. Buy real maple syrup vs. the faux stuff like Aunt Jemima. Not only will it basically last forever on the shelf if properly sealed, but it will last for AGES in the fridge after you’ve opened it. Notice a little mold on it? Don’t worry! Just scrape off that mold and then heat the syrup to 180 degrees (just before boiling) and it’ll kill off the germs and bacteria. Pour it back into the bottle and put it back in the fridge and you just got a few more months out of that sweet, sweet goodness. (By the way, Grade A just means it is lighter and Grade B has a more robust flavor, it doesn’t say shit about the quality of the syrup).
2. When baking something that includes a sticky ingredient like honey or peanut butter, measure the oil (butter, veggie oil, etc) first, then reuse that measuring spoon for your sticky ingredient and watch it slide right on out.
3. Speaking of sticky, eat local honey. It’ll help you build up immunity to local pollens and will cut down on those expensive Zyrtec bills.
4. Learn to poach an egg. Seriously. Eggs are so cheap, so healthy, so versatile, and so filling you won’t even notice how few calories you can afford to consume! The Velveeta, Top Ramen, and Wonder Bread diet is delicious, but not so good for you. Switch it up and enjoy something like asparagus, parmesan, and an egg. Or make polenta and top it with a poached egg and the leftover marinara from the other night when you ordered mozzarella sticks for delivery during a moment of weakness. And, yes, you can poach an egg in the microwave. Yes, you can make your polenta in the microwave too.
5. Turn your windowsill into an herb garden. Do I really need to explain this one?
6. Befriend the bartender. This works best in divier bars where buy backs are gonna happen. Don’t use the buy back as an excuse to tip less, though! Tip 25% on the beers you ordered and adjust according to how many you got for free. I don’t usually recommend sleeping with the bartender though as, for most people, that will backfire. Girls, most of you suck at sex without feelings and things will get weird and then you’ll have to find a new bar. Guys, that lady bartender is already on to you and probably not gonna blow you in the kitchen after the porters have left. Stick to being just friends.
7. Sign up for those obnoxious emails from places where you like to shop. Nine times out of ten, you’ll just end up deleting the email and that’s annoying, I know, but trust me here. I delete pretty much every single email I get from Banana Republic, but this past November they had an absolutely incredible sale – some items were 40% off! And that’s how, with the use of a gift card I had hoarded, I got $400 worth of BR stuff for a mere $65.
8. The occasional subscription box. Drunk June Cleaver is not a very girly girl – she’d much rather drink beer at a bar and talk shit with the guys during a football game then put on a pretty A-line skirt and some pumps. She does, however, have a terrible addiction to nail polish and a Julep box is $19/month for 3 bottles. A bottle of Essie or OPI in the drugstore is $8.50. Do the math. (She also has friends with addictions to legwear who have enjoyed legwear subscription boxes or DIY Pintersty friends who love those boxes, etc)
9. Dump your cable. You don’t need it and libraries are free. Bonus: If enough of us do this, maybe the Kardashians will finally go away!
10. Become a VIP or, at least, really good at sneaking into VIP areas. Seriously, guys, there is so much free shit in VIP. (And, yes, DJC is a VIP. Suck it.)